Friday, 1 February 2008

all I can say is...why?


Vagina couch..

yeah ...everyone needs one

WHATS THE BEST THEY THOUGHT COULD HAPPEN?

It is stating the blindingly obvious, but just to be absolutely crystal clear – alcohol and red-hot pokers do not mix .Anyone who needs more guidance on why they are mutually exclusive can turn to YouTube where a couple of self-styled 'pranksters' have posted a graphic demonstration. The pair – known only at 'Neil & Bert drunk in St Austell' – take part in a Jackass-style stunt after they have obviously had a few. Of course, anybody who's ever lived in St. Austell will be able to confirm that the agony of branding yourself with a red-hot poker is nothing compared to the agony of living in St. Austell. The (thankfully) blurry 75-second video shows one of the jokers holding a poker over some glowing embers before branding his mate's buttock. Unsurprisingly, this causes a good deal of pain – and leaves a large black burn. Amid the shrieks of agony, someone in the background assures the victim: 'You can't even see it.'. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents yesterday warned against copying the stunt. "It's pretty obvious that if you heat a piece of metal and place it on your skin it's going to do you some damage and cause you discomfort", said a spokesman.





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A dangerous prank quite literally backfired and landed a 22-year-old squaddie in hospital with a scorched colon – after he stuck a firework up his bottom.
The soldier inserted a rocket in a place definitely not recommended by the Fireworks Code and, as onlookers cheered, lit the blue touchpaper.
The prankster, who has not been named but who recently returned from a tour of duty in Iraq, was badly burned.
Witness Daniel Kassim, 16, said: 'There were around 40 of us after the bonfire had finished.
'This lad was saying, “This is boring, what can we do?”. He then put a rocket up his backside and set light to it.
'Everyone was laughing and didn't believe he'd do it. He pulled his trousers down and it exploded within seconds.
'No one thought he was hurt. But then he stood up and walked a few metres before stumbling and falling to the ground. There was quite a bit of blood.'
Police and paramedics were called to the Monkwearmouthon area of Sunderland after the stunt on Sunday.
The victim was taken to Sunderland Royal Hospital where he is having treatment for internal injuries.
Onlookers said the man was mimicking a scene from Jackass where the character Steve-O shoots a firework from his rear.
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents reiterated its warnings about the dangers of playing with fireworks.
'It's very sad that this person had to learn about the dangers posed in this way,' it said.

Chasing Pussy

A cat was snooping around its new flat in Austin, Texas, when it came across a gap in the wall.
The woman who owns the feline remarked on it to her friend, who put his hand into the gap and found a number of DVDs apparently hidden by the apartment's previous occupant Luis Jimenez. Turns out the DVDs were full of child porn and Jiminez could now face up to 10 years in jail and a fine of up to $10,000 :-)

Dead But Alive



Red tape is preventing a Polish man from returning from the dead.

Piotr Kucy, 38 and from the city of Polkowice in southwest Poland, was wrongly identified by authorities last August as a drowned man, only to show up a few days after his own funeral.

Despite pointing out the fact that he was alive to government officials, Kucy still remains dead in official records, stopping him from working and paying social insurance.
But on the bright side, a local newspaper reported on Tuesday, he no longer needs to pay taxes.

'We are nearly through January, and my documents still say I'm dead,' Kucy told Gazeta Wyborcza, adding: 'It's a bit of a joke.'

But a registry office official was adamant about the situation. 'This citizen does not exist,' she told the paper.

So does this mean he can commit crimes and not be charged, you can't charge a someone who is dead now can you!!! I could think of a few things that I would do if it was me!

Saturday, 26 January 2008

Jesus fucking Christ

I'm late ..sorry!


RETAIL bosses may have to issue bizarre health warnings on its clothing mannequins - after a punter said he got his MANHOOD trapped in one.


The man, 31, rang officials at an online firm to whinge that he got “part of himself” stuck in a 24mm hole on a female display bust.


The unnamed customer from Doncaster, South Yorks, had ordered the display mannequin over the internet mistakenly thinking it was an adult sex toy. He had to use a pair of heavy duty scissors to cut the dummy and set himself free.


Cheekily instead of feeling a right dummy, he then asked for a REFUND from the suppliers but they were said to have “politely refused.”


Officials at Displaysense which makes sales displays for retail outlets are now considering whether to carry warnings on each bust and on their website to stop future potential incidents happening.


Steve Whittle the marketing manager of Displaysense said: “I’m stunned by this incident.


“These busts are for display purposes only and no where on the website or in the products packaging does it state that they should be used for adult means.


“Apparently the bust was so durable, the man was concerned he might have to call the fire brigade to liberate him.


“But thankfully, a pair of heavy duty scissors were able to cut apart the female bust to release him and relieve his delicate area.


“After freeing himself, he made a call to Displaysense to complain about the user friendliness of the female bust and that this was not what he had ordered.


“During the phone call the gentleman in question demanded a refund on the now dismantled female bust at which point the refund request was politely refused.”


The sales team were said to have been “stunned and embarassed” by the complaint.


In 2005, Michael Plentyhorse an 18 year old from the US was caught after performing an indecent act with an arts centre mannequin from another company.


Mr Whittle added: “We’ve just added these busts to our range and we normally expect some initial teething problems but not in our 30 years of business have we experienced such an incident.


“I just hope we don’t have to go to the extent of placing a warning sticker onto the bust to deter people from considering such inappropriate acts in the future”.

Friday, 25 January 2008

Dead ringer to cash cheque ???

Two men in the US have been arrested wheeling a corpse down a busy street in an office chair.

David J Dalaia and James O'Hare were planning to use their friend's body to cash his $355 (£181) social security cheque.

However, a New York police officer stopped the pair when he saw them from a restaurant window.

Detective Travis Rapp said he had thought the body was "a mannequin or a dummy".

After arresting the men, Det Rapp discovered they had been trying to cash Virgilio Cintron's cheque at a store in Hell's Kitchen(sic!!!!)


But the shop owner had told them Mr Cintron - who had died 24 (!!!!!!!!!!) days earlier - had to be present.

The men went back to his flat, dressed him in a T-shirt and trousers, and then wheeled him to the store in a red office chair.

The pair - who have a history of heroin addiction - left the corpse outside, but the shopkeeper asked to see Mr Cintron.

When they were about to bring him in, they were spotted by the detective.

...all in the timing...


...a personal one today... So, my girlfriend recently moved in and isn't yet working. She should be starting her new job at the beginning of February. With Christmas just gone and all, I'm sure y'all know how tight money can be. Well, this year I planned ahead! I saved and saved and saved and made sure I checked my bank balance can could top it off with carefully hidden little piles of cash... it's all in the timing see... don't put too much in or it'll get spent, see...

...so today I wandered over to my bank at lunchtime to pay some money in to cover my recent expenses. And it appears I have mistimed it somewhat...

...instead of being $400 in credit, I am $600 overdrawn...

W.T.F.!!!

...fuck...and extrapolating to February, I will obviously be fucked then too, seeing as I am about to lose a third of my paycheck to my overdraft fees...


I am glad I do not own a gun.

Let there be light.



Is it just me or would everyone find this light switch just a bit too much to take?

Give it a rest for christ's sake.. It's good to be godless i reckon.

Following


...my theme from last week of falling from high places, I found this gem from a while back.
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."

That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

I was unfortunately unable to find any more car-wash mishaps, but posted a new gratuitous hot-girls-in-a-car-wash picture on the old post just because.
Happy WTF? Friday.

AJ Wonders WTF?!?

First let me say that it's really an honor that I was invited to post here at WTF Friday... Thanks!! Now I'll share with you my WTFs for the week... Hope you don't go bald scratching your head! Have a safe weekend all!

One more piece of proof that stupid people continue to breed, and breed:
Woman Gets Sick from Tattoo purchased from Door-to-Door Tattoo Artist



Someone has a really serious "Sweet Tooth" problem!
Honey Bun slaying adds 25 years to sentence

Walkies

LONDON (Reuters) - A British bus company has apologized to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus.

Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the "pet" of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.

Pictures showed her dressed in black Gothic-style clothing with silver buckles on a silver chain -- which the driver of a bus from the firm Arriva took exception to.

She told the Daily Mail newspaper Wednesday she was thrown off and told: "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."

Arriva would not comment on specifics but said it apologized if the couple felt they had been discriminated against. It added, however, that the driver was worried about safety and the company told Maltby to take the leash off in the future.

"We have spoken to the driver who has talked about health and safety," a spokesman said. "Should she be attached to a chain and something happens on the bus, that could be dangerous. All we are saying is that she is very welcome to use the buses but not when she is on her lead."

Maltby -- who lives on state benefits and got engaged in November -- said her choice of lifestyle might seem unusual but was harmless.
"I am a pet," she told the Daily Mail. "I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone."

mmmmmmm what more can be said then?!

WTF? AND HE MAKES DECISIONS FOR US?


"An MP has made a hasty U-turn after giving his support for National Fetish Day.
Ronnie Campbell, 64, told organisers he would wear purple to mark the event planned for today and even confessed to having a horse fetish.
Ronnie Campbell MP: he likes the horses, oh yes he does
When a local newspaper rang to check he approved of the campaign, the Labour MP for Blyth Valley, Northumberland, replied: 'I have no problem with it and I am happy to show my support.
'I have a purple tie and a purple shirt so I will be able to wear their colours.
He added: 'I must have a thousand [fetishes] but, hand on my heart, I couldn't tell which is the most important one. Probably the horses.'
But when told the kinky meaning of the word, Mr Campbell realised there had been a big misunderstanding.
He said: 'Oh my God almighty! I thought a fetish was a worry, like worrying about backing the right horse.'
The event organiser, known only as Pierced Knight, said the colour purple was chosen because of its use in bondage circles."

judging by the size of the love bite on his cheek...............
me thinks he doth protest too much!

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IT'S NOT WTF IT SEEMS...



from the metro


Is this the evidence we need to prove there IS life on mars?
"Is this the confirmation we needed that there really are little green men living on Mars?
Bizarre images taken by Nasa's Mars Explorer Spirit have emerged showing a very strange human shape walking down a hill.
At first experts missed this clear evidence of ET living on the Red Planet.
It wasn't until space and science fiction enthusiasts became involved that the images were taken more seriously.
The pictures, found on a Chinese website, are now creating a stir of excitement."


DON'T BE SO FUCKING DAFT!
it's simply the bloke from green flag finally arrived to sort out the beagle explorer!

Saturday, 19 January 2008

OK, NOT WANTING TO SPOIL THE FUN BUT....

four dinners original post
"On Ilkley Moor Baaaaaaaaa Tat"
has been moved to


just a reminder. posts here are things that have made you think

WHO
WHAT
WHERE
WHEN
WHY
THE FUCK
in the previous week.

post em on a friday.
one, two, whatever, thats your choice.
they can be as serious or funny as you want them to be too.
but please, no jokes.

thats all folks.....

if anyone fancies posting jokes onto THE CAFE BLEU, let me know. that can be arranged too!
and nothing personal dinners, it was funny!

Friday, 18 January 2008

...Seriously? WTF?...


...Well, me first post on WTF. Cappy didn't let me know if this was gonna be family friendly or not, but seeing as I've got mums and kids reading SomeLies despite my gratutious use of "blue" langauge, who gives a fuck?
This, my first post, is completely personal. However, I hope you can relate in some way or another...
Arby's, on Union Avenue, in Memphis ran out of roast beef this lunchtime.
What the fuck?
How the fuck does a fast food "restaurant" famous only for it's fucking roast beef sarnies, run out of roast beef?
Twats. I was well looking forward to a #5 too.
...Tideliar...

Two

...gems for you today.

First, from our German friends,

BERLIN - A German man threw himself out of an apartment window along with a Christmas tree during a late-night attempt to dispose of his festive decorations.
The man fell 22 feet after he lost his balance throwing the tree onto the street Saturday, police in the western city of Moenchengladbach said. The tree did not break the victim's fall.
"There's a TV advert showing people having fun throwing their old Christmas trees out the window," said police spokesman Willy Thevessen Monday. "But you're not supposed to jump with them."
The man was taken to hospital in critical condition with severe head injuries after witnesses saw him fall.



Then, from our friends down under,

CANBERRA - An Australian man who waved out of a car window at two young women was expected to lose his arm Monday after it was almost severed by another passing vehicle.
The 20-year-old was a passenger in a pick-up truck at Bunbury, in Western Australia state, when he waved at two women in a car wash.
But as he put his arm out the driver made a right hand turn and the man's limb was struck and almost torn off by an oncoming four-wheel-drive.
"His left arm was partially severed and doctors believe the limb may need to be amputated," police said.


A Severed arm



2 totally gratuitous good looking girls in a car wash,probably not unlike the ones that prompted the arm-waving mishap related above, I don't doubt.



Again, for no other reason other than we can, nice looking (I think) girls in a car-wash

What a load of bollocks..



Mardy arsed yank law makers have banned the hanging of rubber ballbags from the exhaust
systems of cars..I reckon they look good and after the stress of modeling them i feel gutted that they can't be used anymore.

WTF? WORDS FAIL ME

sorry, thought of one.
WHY?







and theres more too!
quite fancy the yoda one for our george!

Nintendo Wii Injuries

An American accidentally gave his girlfriend a black eye when she made the mistake of walking behind him while he was taking on a rather nasty Poe in Zelda Twilight Princess. That Master Sword is so much more dangerous than it looks!

A New Yorker was happily playing baseball on Wii Sports when, on swinging at the second pitch, her knee popped out of place. She spent the night at hospital and was completely immobilised for weeks. Needless to say she lost the game

Whilst playing a rather vigorous game of tennis on Wii Sports an overly competitive Danish man cut his hand to shreds when he went for a high match-finishing return and put his hand straight though the glass chandelier hanging above him. Talk about a smash!

Bowling, hardly a strenuous sport, however bowling on a Wii is clearly a very different game. It proved too much for an American woman who managed to hurt her bum and pull a hamstring whilst attempting trying to get herself just one more strike on the popular Wii Sports game. Remember kids, whatever the sport, always warm up.

A young boy from Liverpool knocked his sister's front teeth out when teeing off in a game Wii Sports in golf. If he had swung a bit higher he could have got a bogey (sorry).

Every time you put a game into the Wii it explicitly tells you to make sure you are wearing the Wii remotes wrist strap. A Bristol man neglected this advice at considerable cost when he had to replace his brand new 52" plasma TV because it had his Wii remote imbedded in it! He won’t be doing that again.

An Australian man living in East London has claimed to be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by the genuinely terrifying Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles. Our advice is if you want to play this game, have a few friends over and always have a shotgun, pistol and chainsaw to hand, you never know when they will come for you!

A Virgin Media staff member was recently diagnosed with repetitive strain injury. He blames it on his energetic wrist shaking action required to get your carrot juice up to the right pressure in Wii’s Rayman Raving Rabbids 2. Yeah, whatever.

So just be careful out there on your Wii's!!

Thursday, 17 January 2008

WTF (nearly) Friday


• Bushism of the Week: "There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world." --George W. Bush, addressing U.S. troops at Camp Arifjan in Kuwait

He now thinks he's God AND Doctor Who......

Monday, 14 January 2008